Failure

I watched the Oscars yesterday for the first time in years and Sandra Bullock’s interview with Barbara Walters kept me up for hours last night thinking…

She said something so spectacular and profound about her marriage to Jesse, she said that it wasn’t by coincidence that her career has improved since she had been married to him. Barbara asked her why, and she said “Because I have a home.” She talked about what that meant, and how when she got married it meant that it was ok to fail because she could go home and be herself at the end of the day. Getting married meant that she could fail. 

Bryant and I laid in bed last night, and we talked about this idea that ‘Sandy’ as they call her, pointed out. She described marriage with just a word…HOME. Bryant fell asleep and I just couldn’t stop thinking about what she said…Marriage meant that she could fail. 

I started thinking about myself and how I have changed or not changed since I’ve been married. I remember having so many emotional and mental breakdowns in college where I would cry for hours. At the time, Bryant and I were just dating, and I remember feeling this kind of pressure that was so intense and real-it felt like it was pushing down on my chest and now I think I can define it as the fear of failure. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do because whenever I thought about diving into something, I saw myself drowning. I can’t say that my fear has vanished, but I think I’ve grabbed hold of it, allowing it to empower me instead of strangle me. Bryant’s constant reassurance back then that it would all be ok didn’t make any sense to me until recently. If I fail, he is not going anywhere. And as I lay in bed last night I started to think about Christ’s love for me and how his unfailing, never-changing love has been manifested through my husband and our marriage. Bryant shows me how Christ loves me. 

Failure and the love that is still there when I come home.

How do you deal with failure? Are you afraid of it? Do you feel like you have a home regardless?

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Comments

  1. cassieleigh says:

    I love this. What a fantastic reassurance, not only from your earthly love but also from the Lover of your soul. I think for me, a fear of failure is synonymous with a resistance to growing up – because it painfully involves these so-called potential failures and mistakes and learning curves… In any case, thanks for writing this. Because I think I greatly struggle with fear, but I like seeing that you see the other side of it. I’m excited for that day.

    • The other side of it…indeed. the learning curve never really stops, and the mistakes are unavoidable, but I have come to realize that I would rather fail…I would rather struggle…I would rather flounder, because its a chance for Christ to sharpen me. And the way I picture failure in my mind, is not at all like how it turns out in real life–I always picture castostrophic endings, but in truth, it is never as trivial as I have imagined. It’s almost like we picture things bursting into flames and the ultimate level of humiliation, but really, its just…its just a live/learn moment. I still fear that I’ll never be anything, but I know that even if that is true, it won’t be as bad as I picture it…I may never be anything but I know I’ll have done something.

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