My Constant

I feel the happiest than I have ever been in my entire life. Its massive, and real, and something about where I have landed after all this time has presented a sense of happiness and rest. I have found my constants–without them I feel uneasy, with them I feel…complete. Just as Desmond was the constant–he never changed; he was unaffected by the chaos; he could face the most extreme of circumstances and somehow remain; Desmond was woken up from his afterlife when he saw Penny-his constant, and then brought everyone together. His purpose was always to just be. Desmond had to be Daniel’s constant–because he was always there, he was there the entire time. Desmond was the constant; the helper; the element of the story that was always underestimated and underappreciated.

Jesus is my constant. His unfailing love and His overwhelming grace; He keeps me steady; my faith is unwavering. My husband is my constant. Bringing the word “home” with him every time he walks in our front door. He keeps me grounded; firm in who I am and who I can be, never letting me doubt my worth. My body is my constant. My focus on keeping it well and healthy–it keeps me moving, keeps me feeling like I can do things, looks at me in the mirror every morning when I wake up–it’s the only one I have. My heart feels full, because I’ve found home and resolve in where my life has taken me. I’ve always felt like something was missing, like I messed up earlier on and it made me turn wayward. But, I’m realizing that this is it. This is all I have. And as I sit here, sipping on my coffee, I am in awe of this life. The Lord has blessed me, in ways that can only be described as beautiful. Yes, I struggle. Yes, I can feel angry and pissed. Yes, there are things from my past that I still need face head on, but God never changes. My husband’s love grows. My heart feels warm and happy.

It all seems silly. It took me so long to stop analyzing and stressing and to start living and breathing and delighting. I recognize my constants, the elements that will always be-its up to me to keep them alive, to keep them fresh and healthy. These are the things that matter.

If anything goes wrong, I have my constants.


The Finer Things

This afternoon has been spent doing the following:


*Scrolling through Sex and the City 2 stills, admiring all the fashion.

*Listening to…naming a few…

  • A Fine Frenzy
  • Regina Spektor
  • Ingrid Michaelson
  • Augustana
  • Kate Nash
  • Psapp
  • Snow Patrol

*Throwing a torn up mallard stuffed animal across the room on repeat for the dogs to fetch, fight over, and bring back

*Drinking Ice Water from my @Starbucks Tumbler

*Scenery: windows open, smell of rain and grass aromas filling my bedroom

This afternoon, I am appreciating the finer things…

Running for Women

A little history…I’ve never really been a “runner.” Growing up, I played soccer, and the worst part about soccer was the running part. What my coaches called “conditioning,” I called unnecessary–when they said “Time for Suicides” I said, “I choose Suicide.”

Soccer caused a bunch of stupid knee injuries, causing 4 stupid surgeries, and here I am, age 23, trying to become a “runner.” Before I got married, operation get fit happened (actually, we called it Operation Hot Body) and I started trail running, and treadmill running, and any other kind of running a person might do and the whole time I was screaming the F word, because running hurts–and its stupid. Then I got married, and Operation Hot Body became Operation Forget About It, and I lost my motivation and drive because I was just oh so in love. And now, as I am coming up on my 2 year wedding anniversary, I’m slowly becoming a runner.

A few months ago, I had this whole epiphany about feeling healthy and happy and how they are tied to eachother, and I don’t have any excuse to not choose my happiness, so I chose to change my thinking. I stopped thinking in terms of “Got to work out at least once this week” to “I want to feel happy” and so it has started…this battle between my tennies and the pavement. And running has become less and less daunting and more and more apart of me. The thing about running is that you hate it until you don’t anymore, and suddenly the voices inside your head that say “UGH! THIS SUCKS ASS!” suddenly become more positive.

Tonight as I was running I remembered the part in the movie “What Women Want” when Nick (played by Mel Gibson) is presenting to Nike their idea for the new ad campaign…I looked it up, so as not to misquote:

You don’t stand in front of a mirror before a run wondering what the road will think of your outfit.

You don’t have to listen to its jokes and pretend they’re funny in order to run on it.

It would not be easier to run if you dressed sexier.

The road doesn’t notice if you’re not wearing lipstick.

Does not care how old you are.

You do not feel uncomfortable because you make more money than the road.

And you can call on the road whenever you feel like it.

Whether it’s been a day or even a couple of hours since your last date.

The only thing the road cares about, is that you pay it a visit once in a while.

This is me. This is how I feel. This hateful journey with running has turned into something different. My shin splints may kill me, and I may feel like puking, but I am myself, 100% me, and I don’t think that this feeling is going anywhere. So all you non-runners who are afraid you’ll look stupid, its ok, because I assure you, I’m out there, just me and the pavement, and I’ve never felt so alone.

And so I leave you with these motivators, brought to you by Nike.