Motherhood Mondays: I’m Losing It

I am 37 weeks and 3 days.

I am losing my freaking mind.

Seriously.

My doctor I think has just been trying to say hopeful and inspirational things in an effort to get me in a better mind over body place, and for some reason I have let him trick me. Last week he said “Katie, you can have this baby this week or next, 37 or 38 weeks, I think she will come.” And I was like “I don’t think thats going to happen.” And he was all “Why do you think that? I really think she is ready.” Well this little conversation was him tricking me because seriously, I am still pregnant, and now every second of the day I am having this internal conversation with myself:

“God, we are having this baby today. Did you feel that? I felt that. Is my back hurting? Is this back labor? Maybe my water will just break. I think sitting on this couch is too comfortable. I need to be in a squatting position at all times. I’m going to go clean the bathroom again. OUCH! YES! THAT WAS A CONTRACTION! …well shit, I guess that was a fake one. OUCH! THAT FELT LIKE A REAL ONE! I AM GOING TO TRY NOT TO MOVE BECAUSE THAT MIGHT MAKE THEM KEEP COMING…OH NO I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!”

Then while I’m peeing, I’m thinking…

“God, lets just go ahead and have my water break now. This is the perfect time for something like that. Ok I’m going to stand up, heres your last chance, and….and…nope.”

Seriously you guys, I’m losing my mind.

Last night, Bryant woke up at 2am. I was very aware that he was awake. I thought to myself “This is it. We are both awake in the middle of the night at the exact same time for a reason. This must be it. He senses it too. What is that pain? Are these real contractions? They have to be, because we are both awake.” Then 30 minutes later, Bryant was sleeping soundly and I was laying there saying “Its ok God, I know you are just going to make sure my water breaks before I wake up.” Then somehow, it became 7am, and there was no signs of anything.

I decided today that I need to accept the fact that I probably have at least 2 more weeks of this crap ahead of me.

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Mourning

I think sometimes we have to mourn the loss of something that never really existed. I think that in life, we often dream of things and have visions of things happening, and when those things end without ever beginning, we feel the same loss that we would have felt had they been true.

I am mourning the loss of something. Portions of my life that I have always looked forward to are not going to happen, and while I know it seems bizarre to feel a deep sadness over something that never really was, I believed that it was.

I have friends who found out they couldn’t conceive a child together. They mourn the loss of the child that never existed. They will have a family, but it will be a different way, and so, they mourn the loss of what they had always envisioned.

This is sort of like that.

Last night, as I laid in bed crying, mourning, Kinsey gave me a gentle kick. I think God was reminding me again that He is above it all. God is Able. And as impossible as all of this feels right now, He is Able.

 

On Nesting and Clorox Clean Up

Ok, I want to firstly state that I AM NOT SNIFFING OR INGESTING CLEANING PRODUCTS. But, oh my gosh I want to so badly. In between my fainting spells and Downton Abbey marathons, I am using Clorox Clean-Up on every inch of my bathroom and kitchen. Last night, I was eating a Peanut Butter Cup and actually thought to myself “Gosh, I’d really like to sniff some Clorox right about now.” HOW WEIRD IS THAT?! I have tweeted about wanting to roll around in Clorox Clean-Up naked, and I am 100% serious about it. Right now, in this moment, I have my tub filled with Clorox Bleach to clean the weird blue dripping water-like stain that I can not seem to get rid of, and I also pulled the plastic shower curtain down to throw in the tub with the bleach so that those grime-like stains can be removed. For the past two weeks, I have deep cleaned our bathroom twice a week. I don’t even think its that dirty, but it feels cleaner if I Clorox Clean-Up the floors, and wash the bathmats. I realized today that this might be what they call “nesting.” I know that the attraction to the smell of the cleaner is baby related, but I think the urge to clean every 5 seconds is probably (and hopefully) related to the upcoming birth. I’m sure there are some green/earth nuts out there who will read this and want to yell at me for exposing my baby to harsh cleaners, and to those people I say, shut up, and HAVE YOU SMELT IT? BECAUSE IT IS DELICIOUS! I’m also really attracted to the smell of Woolite. I have both the Pet Oxygen and the other Oxy one, and I spray my furniture and rugs regularly with that stuff. I think my apartment smells fresher and less lived in…kind of like that amazing new car smell that people have tried to replicate with air fresheners but it just isn’t the same. My point here,  I have this really intense urge to clean my baseboards and 409 my refrigerator (ok wait, lets be honest, 409 doesn’t smell nearly as good at Clorox Clean-Up). I want to accidentally spill my bottle of Clorox Clean-Up on my floors and then accidentally “fall” in it and then pretend like I can not get up. Gosh, I would smell so good and I would be so clean.

I repeat, I AM NOT INGESTING CLEANING PRODUCTS OR SNIFFING THEM RECREATIONALLY.