Dog For Sale

I’ve posted about Franny before, because she is a thorn in my side and every single day she challenges me. She is hard to love. When she was a puppy, she somehow managed to do the unthinkable, re: Pee on My Face, and since then has managed to eat ant traps, step in Bubble Gum, and in more recent months has turned into some kind of stripper, humping Zoey every chance she gets. She has allergies which has been expensive and annoying to deal with, she does the creepy stare, she whines in the middle of the night if she is uncomfortable, she is honestly the most needy, pain in my ass dog. If I leave the house, she gets pissed, and her form of payback is to dig into the laundry and eat my underwear. She never touches Bryant’s clothes, EVER, its always my undergarments. Then we had Kinsey, and I think Franny is just beside herself at the thought of another person replacing the ‘very little’ attention that she gets (I say ‘very little’ sarcastically, because her antics alone should tell you that she gets PLENTY of attention). In New Jersey, she started to eat my underwear as well as Kinsey’s pajamas whenever we left the house. I am gone for maybe 2-3 hours a day, if that, so I am pretty sure the second the door closes, she goes looking for something to destroy. I can’t tell if this is a sign of affection, or hatred, but its irritating. Zoey is my sweet precious angel dog, and the poor dog can never catch a break. The other day, I was sitting in Kinsey’s nursery, feeding her, and Zoey was laying on the floor next to me being all sweet, and Franny walks in out of no where, and paws Zoey in the face like a bitch. She probably was just out sitting on the couch, and was like “Where is everybody? Not on my watch!” and she just walks in, all stripper like, and just paws Zoey in the face.

On Sunday, we got home from church and Franny was hiding from me. This generally means that she did something and I have to then search every corner of the apartment looking for evidence of her destruction. I couldn’t find anything. Then, about 3 hours later, I look over at the corner, and Kinsey’s WubbaNub is laying there with the Soothie pacifier bit clear off. Franny ingested it. As soon as I picked it up, Franny Pocahontas crawled underneath the ottoman. We have a backup WubbaNub, but I was all stressed out that in her stupidity and rebellion, that soothie pacifier would clog her intestines and kill her. THEN! Today, I came home from Target (where I had purchased fancy new dog collars, and dog food, if that little shit would have stopped herself for two seconds, and realized that I was out spending time buying stuff for her, maybe, just maybe, she wouldn’t have to spend the day underneath the ottoman again), and she ate ANOTHER pacifier. She had to climb to get to it too, which really pisses me the hell off. She grabbed Kinsey’s cute little bunny stuffed animal, and it had one of those Avent pacifiers attached to its hand, and Franny ate the entire thing, leaving only the tiny plastic ring behind. Yep. Ate it. Like a bitch.

The other day, I was like 60% of the time loving her, now I’m pretty sure I am functioning with a deficit of love right now. Whenever I think about finding her a new home, I feel guilty, but in reality she is so demented, I think she could quite possibly be trying to kill herself. I have 3 fears.

1) I come home, and Franny is dead. I would be emotionally scarred for life, and my apartment would smell, and poor Zoey would be traumatized. And then I’d have to call like a pet coroner or something, and it would just be incredibly stressful.

2) Franny gets cancer, or some other expensive health problem, and I spend a fortune trying to keep a dog that I don’t even particularly like, alive, leaving me full of resentment and pet bills that will last probably a lifetime.

3) Franny lives forever. She never dies. She just, lives, like a bitch.




  1. This made my entire day so much better.

  2. Nakesha Morgan says:

    Bahaha! I just practically cried laughing reading this! I feel awful but that’s how we felt about our dog! We found him a new home and it’s been BEYOND peaceful here without him. I miss him sometimes, but not enough to do anything about it 🙂

    • I asked Bryant seriously the other day if he would consider finding Franny a new home, and he told me he wouldn’t be able to sleep at night and would live a lifetime of guilt. I guess this means I’m stuck with her, and she will probably outlive me just to spite me.

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