P90X Day 2

Did you know that Plyometrics is basically the closest you’ll get to labor-like intensity/pain? No, I am serious. I mean, its not as bad obviously, because you can stop or slow down, but if you are a slightly depressed person, I don’t recommend it. Its definitely not for you if you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is my least favorite.

So, yesterday, I started Day 1. It was the Chest/Back and the Ab Ripper X. I woke up this morning, after a stressful dream about snakes straggling my limbs, in a lot of pain. I had trouble lifting myself up out of my bed. The plus side: it means I actually have some ab muscles. They are sore and tired, but they are there! WIN!

What I liked: When the crazy P90x guy (I don’t want to remember his name) said “Don’t say can’t. Instead say, I currently struggle with____, and then overtime, you will get better and better.” Ok, he said something sort of like that, but I liked his spin on something that we consider hard/impossible. You put in a little bit of effort, and then do a little more, and a little more, and overtime, it is not as hard. Chest/Back is like a gazillion and one push-ups all acrobatic style. Diamond ones and Wide-fly ones are my “I currently struggle with.”

Today: Plyometrics. Ouch. I was breathing heavy, felt like collapsing, was relieved when it was over. I had to do a lot of modified moves because of my knees, but ultimately, I know I will be feeling it tomorrow.

You never regret working out. It sucks while you are doing it, but once its over, you are always happy. Now, I have to go mother. I’m sure it would be easier to do p90x if my baby knew how to change her own diaper.

Graduate Student.

I start school again in 20 days. I bought my school supplies last week. I already wrote in my notebooks the name of the class and professor and used my highlighters. I am going back to college, building on my under-graduate, and holy cow. A month ago, I had my 2nd/3rd/4th thoughts about it. Questioning whether it was the right thing…nerves about if I should even attempt school right now; feelings of selfishness because its expensive and I don’t know when I will be going back to work; stress about being able to juggle it all. But, here I am, writing in my notebooks and highlighting “important” things, and getting all excited to learn again.

I do not know when I will work again. I do not know if I will get to use my new fancy Graduate degree. But, I know that I love fashion. I love textiles. I love the business of apparel, and I love to learn. I really do. And for now, that is going to have to suffice.

The idea of putting my energy into something that is solely for myself, for my own happiness/worth…that part, excites me. I love being a Mom, and I do the best that I can at that, for Kinsey. I love being a wife, and I do that, to the best of my ability, for my husband. This, will be something that I get to do for me. I’m focusing on my health, for me, and now also, my education, for me. I think it is important to be selfish sometimes, because in doing that, you become the best self that you can be for others. My husband has encouraged me so much in this, even when I have been uncertain. And, as I have watched him study and sacrifice for the last 3 years, I have been inspired. He set his goals, and I saw him give so much of himself to accomplish them. I admire him for it. And now, it is my turn. To prove to myself that I can set goals, and achieve them.

Thrilled. I am thrilled beyond measure. Though, I am sure, in a few months, when I am in it, I will also experience a new kind of stress…but, that is what taking on new challenges is all about–balance.

P90x Mama Style

I realized something key this weekend. It was another one of my silent, all in my head, sort of revelations, but I looked over at my husband and thought “Poor guy.” It was nothing he did, but entirely related to me and how I feel about myself. He thinks I am beautiful, yet I tear myself a part regularly. I am not kind to myself, not in the least. I give myself grace when it comes to mothering, but I don’t give myself a single ounce when it comes to my physical appearance. I have short lived moments of “Katie, you lost weight, good job,” but that is immediately followed by a list of things that I don’t like about myself. I stare into the mirror and ridicule all of the parts, and it doesn’t matter what sort of progress I make, I still manage to strip my confidence down to nothing. It is terrible. Yesterday, Bryant told me that I looked fit. I laughed in his face. Poor guy, is right. I would be entirely annoyed if I lived with someone who was constantly ripping themselves a part. I am lucky that Bryant is built like a string bean, because I am sure if he was not, I would not be so kind and patient if he expressed his unhappiness with his appearance. I love myself, but I don’t show it the love that it deserves. The truth is: I can’t remember a single time that I was actually 100% happy with my body since my wedding day. That said, our 4 year wedding anniversary is next Friday. It has been 4 years since I felt like physically I was at a place that I wanted to be. Yikes. Pre-pregnancy, I definitely was not in the shape that I had imagined myself being in before I birthed an infant. I am 5 months post partum, and while I’m not still lugging around the weight of my pregnancy, it is time to stop being such a jerk to myself and actually move my ass. I run because I like it, and I only do the quota that I want to do, because I never want to stop loving it. That isn’t going to get me anywhere. I can run 3 miles, no big deal, but you won’t see me pushing past the 3 mile mark in a single sitting. Nope. Because that would mean that it would hurt. I am very good at tricking myself into thinking that I am doing something about the weak muscles.

So in this vulnerability, I will say this: I am trying to learn to show myself the love that it deserves. I think a huge part of that is feeding it the food that makes it feel good. That means, exercising it in the ways that it needs. Caring for it in the way that I should.

I read this article that made a lot of obvious sense, but it said “Parents who demonstrate self-control, self confidence, and self-discipline…their kid’s will naturally mimic it.” It is amazing how having a little baby can change the way you do life. I want Kinsey to see how much I love myself. I want her to see me practicing self-control and self-discipline. I want her to never struggle with body image or confidence.

So, it starts. I am starting p90x. I have done it before, so this is a round 2. I am expecting it to be harder this time, what with the birthing of an infant 5 months ago and all. But, I am excited. Kinsey will get to see her Mama working out, and as time goes on, that will become more and more important to her own health. I am nervous and already worried that I will quit. But maybe that is a good thing. Maybe that means that I will be able to stick it out longer.

August seems to be the month for a lot of friends/tweeps. Lots of health goals/budget goals/diets are starting. Let’s support each other! Make August a successful one, yeah?!