Vulnerability: Some Truth & Some Questions

I keep having these “I can’t do this anymore times” moments. When I try to imagine myself having another baby, I get overwhelmed. But, when I try to imagine myself not having another baby, I get really sad…I feel empty.

It is confusing.

How can something so hard, be so wonderful?

I feel fulfilled in mothering, but it is hard for me to combat this constant feeling of exhaustion.

I’ve had moments where I completely lose it, emotionally, and I worry that having another baby will cause a more extreme version of this. Yet, I always pull it together. I take my moments, and then I super-charge. So maybe I can handle it..maybe the joy of having another child will make me better at this.

Is this what parenthood is like? Is it normal to feel completely happy yet completely defeated all at the same time? Because I feel that way. And I feel guilty sometimes because Kinsey is such a beautiful gift, and I feel terrible for ever complaining about having to wake up and rock her to sleep.

Even when I am exhausted, and I take that short walk from my bedroom to hers, the moment I open up her door, and see her smile, and hear her squeals, the mess all fades away. She is my remedy.

I am rambling.

Basically…

motherhood is so much more amazing than I ever thought it could be. But, it is simultaneously so much harder than I anticipated.

I am guessing this is all normal.

I hope.

 

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Comments

  1. Not a mom – obviously – but here is my take. When the time comes that you guys are ready to have another baby (or you just get pregnant) you’ll receive the grace you need two be a mother to two children. I see these moms that pop out baby after baby after baby all under 3 years old, and my head explodes because I personally couldn’t imagine having 3 kids under 3. But some women thrive on that. {shudder}

    I fully believe when the time comes you’ll be an excellent mom to two (or more). You had a hard pregnancy and you’re still learning Kinsey and she’s still learning you.

    Again…just the observations of a non-mom.

    • Thank you, Prudy. Your words meant a lot. Truly. I’m certainly not ready to add another to the mix, but feel this pressure to BE READY. I know everything has its timing & the whole cutting teeth/no sleep makes me a bit more irrational.

  2. i have this belief that God gives to mothers what kind of mothering they can handle… including how many kids they have. I sometimes catch myself complaining (in my head) about how easy so-and-so’s kid is, or oogling over how well behaved so-and-so’s 4 kids are… but then I stop and believe that God allowed them to have “easy” kids because well.. they were ultimately destined to have 4, as opposed to my wanting (maybe) just 2. And He knows that so and so is a working mom.. or whatever!. ANyways… to each their own, and I fully believe He will give you want you can handle or not give you what you cannot.

    Second point, although the thought of two kids terrifies me, the thought of how much more growth and teaching (tantrums?! adolescence?! lessons on money, boyfriends, jobs?!) also terrifies me! I think that once the exhaustion “fades” a bit, it just gets replaced with worry and other bigger life problems. Anyways… i don’t know my point. I think my point is that YES motherhood is so hard but the inner mother in us will always rise to the occasion. I ramble too. GO MOMMIES!

  3. I definitely get those ‘I can’t do this’ moments a lot- even though we’ve thankfully, finally had full nights’ sleep for the last month, it’s still absolutely exhausting! The challenges change as they get older, and whilst they are such a joy I think it’s legitimate to feel overwhelmed too! I think the sheer weight of responsibility is so much heavier than I ever imagined, having to be switched ‘on’, all the time, even when they’re sleeping!
    It’s really nice to hear honestly from other mothers how it’s not all easy and lovely and wonderful; that helps me feel less like I’m doing it wrong when I have freak-outs!

    • Yay! I’m so happy you are getting full nights of sleep. That is a game changer. It is still exhausting, but helps when you feel like you can recover a bit.

      The gravity of caring for another human being and hoping you don’t damage them too much in the process, is absolutely exhausting. You described it–it is an overwhelming joy.

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts–it helps to hear other mothers. 🙂

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