Coffee, I’m your bitch.

imyourbitch

The last two weeks have involved very little sleep. And, as I write this, I feel like all I blog about is how much I love sleeping and how little sleep I am getting. Sorry about that. Kinsey has a cold, and those asshole teeth never cut through–maybe this cold is a sign that she will get teeth soon, but I am not counting on it.

Here’s the deal. I am very self-aware. I recognize my faults, and recognize my needs, and have never been one who needs to talk things out in order to get to the bottom of how I am feeling. I am blunt, almost offensively so. All of this boils down to the fact that I am emotional, but I have never seen it as a fail, instead, an attribute. I was called “drama queen” often when I was growing up, and it hurt my feelings. I carry that label around to this day, and try to combat it–but, am realizing, (slowly) that the labels that were projected on me when I was younger, do not define me. So, as I go through this season of not sleeping much, and wearing my emotions around on my sleeve, I am trying to give myself some grace. I will inevitably come off more sensitive than normal. I will probably talk about long term consequences that are absolutely not directly related to what is currently happening (ex. I will not birth anymore children because Kinsey has a cold right now, and I can’t have another kid in 3-5 years because of this here baby cold). I accept this about myself. I accept that I am not neat and pretty. I am messy, and prefer the mess over perfection. Motherhood is teaching me to love myself more–because getting through the hard parts gracefully is the truest test of character. Can I take care of my baby girl and not belittle my husband in the process? I hope so. Because wiping my child’s nose does not deserve a badge of honor. It is a small piece of the big picture in parenting and mothering, but certainly not worth hurting anyone’s feelings. It is not my fault that Kinsey is sick, and I am doing the best that I can. Loving myself allows for me to love better.

I am drinking copious amounts of coffee–trying to trick my body into thinking that I am not tired at all. And, I am having incredibly awkward emotional moments with my lattes because my toffee nut latte understands me. It knows what I need. Its a hug in a cup, and taking a time out to close my eyes and sip it, well, it is spiritual. So, I plan to drink a lot more of it.

This, just like anything else, is temporary. And, how blessed am I that I get to take care of the cutest little person there is? Even her sniffles are adorable (wiping them however, is not adorable, as it always is accompanied with hysterical screams).

I am learning. Learning to ask for help, and learning to love all of my parts–the emotional, especially.

I am going to make more coffee.

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Comments

  1. love every single word you wrote. Furthermore, I feel the same way about coffee 😉

  2. Wow! This sounds just like my life. My baby has been “cutting” teeth for the last forever but none have even shown up. It is MISERABLEE

    • That is EXACTLY our situation. She is 9 months and doesn’t have any teeth. The bottom two keep coming up and causing her pain, and then going back down. I have thought they were going to cut through about 4x. It is absolutely miserable. I feel for you. Truly.

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