Heartwork

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm. 73:26)

I struggle with sharing certain things on my blog because I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. I avoid discussing certain things because I know who reads my posts, and would never want to compromise a relationship with someone because I shared too much–because I made public something that should be kept private. I know that in time, I will share less about my daughter, in order to protect her precious heart, and give her the privacy that she deserves. But, this blog is also about me. It is a place that I have created where I can have community, where I can be vulnerable and share my deepest of deeps. I often challenge myself to be more open, and am always surprised by the emails, comments, and short @replies that simply say “me too.”

My heart is a little weary. Family is hard sometimes. You can not choose them, and yet you’d like to believe that if you had the choice, they would still be your first pick. Relationships can be hard, and there is a drive inside of you to keep pushing, to keep talking, and to try to mend the broken parts. It is because they are family. I wish that we could love more perfectly. I wish that over time, we understood each other better, rather than becoming more distant. It is challenging, and heart-breaking at times. And, as I grow older, and settle in with my smaller unit of family, I realize that it takes even more effort to keep up with the rest of them. It is harder for them to understand who you are, and what you mean, and where you are coming from, because you don’t do life together the way that you used to. It is a tough pill to swallow. And, while you may be connected, you don’t have to be–you get a choice. I want to always choose to keep it together, to keep the bonds tied, but I know in my heart that we are human, and we will fail each other.

I am taking a heart time out. Letting God do a heart work in me. I need to define how my relationships will look, tomorrow, and the day after that. As I get older, so my relationships have to mature–all of them. I need to be more careful with my words and my actions. I need to recognize that just because family is family, that does not mean that it can’t be broken. We love each other, yes, and always will, but we also have to learn to protect each other.

That to me, is love.

 

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Comments

  1. truth: as i was lying in bed falling asleep last night, i thought about asking YOU how you determine what you wil or will not share about your daughter and your motherhood journey and wonder if you will ever be worried about kinsey growing up and liking/not liking what you wrote, learning about herself as a baby. I wanted to ask you because i think about that for myself a lot. And you are super vunerable and truthful, (just the way i like it). 🙂 so this blog post was kind of like a answer to the question i never asked. or else our minds are just totally awesomely connected. 🙂

    • We are connected! It’s been on my mind lately…and I think when it comes to Kinsey, right now, the stuff is ‘baby stuff.” Her first steps, her first teeth, and I thought the other day how amazing that her & I can read about it together. But, as she starts to share her heart, and has her first grades in school, boyfriends, best friends, etc…that to me is more personal. I think I’ll just have to take pause more? Because I do find a lot of value in sharing my parenting imperfections, but, I’d never want my daughter to use them against me either. There will be a time when the discipline gets harder, and that I think has to be private as well. So, I guess you and I will figure it out together, eventually. 🙂

  2. You have just written my story. This is also my heart. Family is the toughest love of all. Thank you for cracking your heart open to share here

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