Let’s All Watch the Bachelor: Juan Pablo

Are you ready to watch the Bachelor, you guys? I actually got a text from a friend today telling me the only way she would watch this season is if I did my live-blogging of the episodes. I sorta didn’t have a choice after that. So, Let’s All Watch the Bachelor, you guys!

Juan Pablo.

juanpablo

Whisper it.

Juan. Pablo.

Single Father. Retired soccer player. 25 catty girls fighting over his affections.

HERE WE GO!

First up, we get to know Juan Pablo a little bit, and immediately recognize that he is not upsetting to look at, and he says “ooff” a lot. Then, Sean visits Juan Pablo per ABC’s usual past Bachelor/Bachelorette sit down, advice chat. Sean and Catherine are still getting married, so I suppose that doesn’t make him entirely unqualified to be giving Juan Pablo advice. Sean talks to Juan Pablo about his “strategy” for kissing 25 girls. Sean advises Juan Pablo not to kiss a girl in front of the other girls. Sean, you are so wise. Juan Pablo. (I just whispered it out loud again).

Hi Chris! Yes actually, we do really like Juan Pablo’s accent, and that hes an ex-soccer player.

We meet a few of the girls. Chelsie first, and she is learning Spanish for Juan Pablo. Renee has a son, and she seems pretty great for a first impression. Amy, the massage therapist, is weird. She will be the weird one. “I want a man who wants to me rubbed by me.”–said by Amy, enough said. A few other girls are introduced, and they are forgettable. All of them have talked about how “sexy” Juan Pablo is, and they sort of whisper it when they say it, for the record. The girl who was engaged and broken up with doesn’t really seem over her last relationship. Oddly, she also reminds me of Becky from Full House, so I might call her that from here on out. Valerie considers herself to be “pretty” and “competitive” so, yeah, she’s drama.

There are apparently 27 women because of the overwhelming response.

Amy L. is the first out of the limo, and there’s nothing important to say except that because many times the first girl gets the first impression rose.

Uhh…this girl who looks like a brunette Sarah Jessica Parker is awkward. I say that, because she too looks like her cousin is a horse.

I think this last girl who I missed was wearing a wedding dress. She played it off like it wasn’t, but I think it was.

Christine brought a gift for Juan Pablo’s daughter. Nikki brought a stethoscope. Kat convinces Juan Pablo to teach her how to salsa, and Juan Pablo thinks that she smells good. Chantel thinks that her name is hard to pronounce, but it really is not at all, so we all feel like she was just talking down to us.

LUCY, ARE YOU HIGH? Where are your shoes?!?!

This other girl brought a piano. Then, Juan Pablo ran inside because she forgot to tell him her name.

FYI. My husband just whispered Juan Pablo from the kitchen.

So, a girl just got out of the limo before commercial break and appeared to be pregnant. If she’s faking it, he needs to send her home, because WTH. If it’s serious, I just don’t even know what to say to Chris Harrison’s face.

anticipation killing me

THIS GIRL. NUT JOB. Not pregnant, and a total nut job. She wants to have more children together apparently.

Next girl brings a soccer ball and says she’s looking for a teammate. #finally

Oh, dear. Amy, the weirdo massage therapist arrived. Chills went up my spine, not even kidding.

Two more girls have gotten out to the limo, and I didn’t pay attention to them at all. A girl brings her dog, which, whatever. Kylie is super weird too. I don’t even know what to say about her. Sharleen is incredibly composed, and awkward as well, then she drops the bomb that she is an opera singer, and I’m sure we’ll hear her sing at least once.

Andi, the attorney gets a gasp from Juan Pablo. She’ll probably be around for awhile, and is my prediction for the first impression rose.

We’ve met all of the girls and they are now having a Juan Pablo dance party and photo booth.

Lucy’s job says “Free Spirit.” She bothers me so much. She’s saying things that are just crazy. Juan Pablo says that he’s creeped out by her bare feet too, so I feel a little bit better.

Amy is getting facially involved with Juan Pablo again via essential oils. Ugh. She makes me so upset inside. Like my insides feel like vomiting. Stop being creepy, Amy!

Christy. Admit that you are wearing a wedding dress, please.

“It’s not just a rose, it is my future”-Just said, by a girl who I can’t remember. But, this basically sums up the anxiety all of these girls are feeling. What an intense situation *sarcasm*

Tears! WE HAVE TEARS! AND, ITS BECKY! Remember her? The one who I said wasn’t over her ex, and didn’t seem ready to be on this show (her real name is Lauren). Oh, Becky. It doesn’t matter how many times you say that you are ready, we know you are not. Also, your tears are not helping your case.

Whoa. It was a few months ago?! Becky! You need to go home. Juan Pablo doesn’t even know what to say to her. So sad.

Kylie told Juan Pablo that she had a dream about him.

I was wrong about that first impression rose. He is giving it to Sharleen! The Opera singer! Who is so composed and amazing, and I think she is going to turn it down! She said yes, even though she isn’t sure about Juan Pablo.

Oh well. Time for the roses. There are 27 women, so I’ll just tell you who didn’t get a rose.

Possibly the best moment in Rose Ceremony history just happened.

Juan Pablo says “Kat”

*Kylie and Kat step forward*

*Everyone feels weird*

“Kat. I said Kat.”

Kylie says “I thought you said Kylie! Can you take us both?”

*Everyone feels weird again*

Kylie did not get a rose. Poor girl. That was just so sad.

Amy the massage therapist didn’t get a rose. “People don’t always feel you the way you feel them.” A lesson in physical boundaries, Amy.

Becky (Lauren) didn’t get a rose. Girl, it is for the best. Its only been a few months. Give yourself some time!

I think a few other girls walked out that I didn’t see, but those are the highlights.

This season is going to be good. I can feel it in my bones. From what I can tell, Juan Pablo doesn’t follow Sean’s advice *shocker* and lots of girls cry *double shocker* See y’all next week; where we hope that Lucy gets kicked out for illicit drug activity and trying to walk Sunset Blvd in the nude #freespirit

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