Baby Deux

I posted this baby on my other social media channels but didn’t want to forget about you blog readers.

Baby Deux

To adequately describe the roller coaster of emotions that we have been through over the last 6 months would be difficult to do without sitting face to face with me; coffee in hand, of course.

And, the moment I saw two lines, I took in a big breath of air rather than letting out a scream of excitement. But, I am all joy now. I feel the weight of what it means to be responsible for another tiny human.

I’ve been drinking half decaffeinated coffee for weeks.

I feel the weight.

But, I feel joy along with that healthy amount of fear; because, I, will become a mother of two (and you’d be batshit to take that lightly). Kinsey will have to share the center of my world with another remarkable person, and I don’t know if it gets much better than that.

I’ve had dreams about Baby Deux clawing its way out of my uterus. I’ve had middle of the night, in a dead sleep, heartburn which created nightmares about Baby Deux’s legs getting lost up in my boobs.

Healthy amounts of fear, you guys.

Ultimately, I feel very grateful. I had several moments of panic as I was getting my spirit ready to blast this photo out onto the interwebs. I text my sweet friend Grace, who bless her heart has been my sounding board since I saw two lines on a stick at 3 weeks and 3 days! (It’s been a long road). She reminded me of my own words; that keeping this a secret wasn’t going to provide Baby Deux with more protection. I kept trying to keep it to myself, as if sharing the news was somehow going to jinx it; because jumping out and sharing the news of life, and then having to take it back…well there are no words for that. I was able to choose how to share baby loss, because I hadn’t yet publicized the creation of life. I’m grateful that was my experience with miscarriage, but I think it also made me fearful. I wrongly associated privacy with safety.

The truth of it is that I am most brave when I am vulnerable. It takes bravery to get there, but walking alongside my people brings strength in ways that only people can. I’ve been overwhelmed with messages of congratulations, prayer, happy thoughts, best wishes, and even received a text that said “I’m standing with you and I know your courage was not easily found today.” Tears streaming my face as retype these words because I am just so overwhelmed with love and support.

It’s amazing how much renewal a new little life can bring.

Stay tuned. I’m certain more emotional vomit will flood my corner of the internets.

In the meantime, know that I am peeing at an exponential rate, and have now purchased two boxes of Lucky Charms. #preggoboss

 

 

 

 

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I Am Thankful

thanksandgratitude

This month has been so FULL. I was sick for almost half of it, and to be completely honest, it was a struggle to be grateful and thankful when I wanted to stab things. But, I had breakfast this morning with a couple of friends, and as we were leaving, I talked about how I’ve been resting in these moments with my little Kinsey girl. She is a joy. I know that parents say that a lot, but I actually mean it 100%. She’s keeping me on my toes, and just yesterday as she was falling off the couch, she actually grabbed onto my nipple like it was a handle to catch herself. I yelled, and she said “ouch?” And, I said “yeah, Kinsey, that was definitely an ouch.” But then, I just started laughing, because seriously?! And Kinsey modeled my laugh, and fell onto the floor laughing like she couldn’t breathe. She’s hysterical. She’s also the perfect little beauty, and the best part of my days.

So, I am thankful. Really thankful, actually. This year has been a very blessed year. New houses, vacations, jobs, new nephews, and though we also experienced heartache in ways that we never thought was possible…we ARE blessed. We have much. And so, I plan to relish in all of the moments, and enjoy this holiday with the perspective that we live in abundance.

I am also really thankful for all of you. This blog, and the relationships that I have developed through it continue to bless me. I’ve had moments where I think “what’s the point?” but then I get an email from one of you, or a comment on an old post, and I realize that we are all in this together. We’ve bonded through the trials of motherhood, and laughed together when things have felt impossible. I’ve met so many new people who have experienced baby loss just like us, and they continue to encourage me with their “just checking in” emails. I am thankful that I chose to share a part of myself here, in this space, because I was able to meet so many great people by doing so.

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends. From the bottom of my heart.

 

Let’s Go Surfing

Tonight, I started to write about things that were purely physical. Pains in my back. Milligrams of vitamins, and medicines, because life doesn’t feel like it’s going my way. I wanted to wallow in it. Sit and just write about every thing that I physically feel, because if I name it, and recognize it, maybe I can remedy it. But, once my list started going, I started to feel silly because, my body is just a body. And, this, all of it, is just what is happening now.

Life sometimes rushes over me, and takes over in waves so fiercely that I struggle to find air. But, I always do. I find it. The waves break, and everything settles into a stillness. I sit in those moments of calm, and can’t help but feel like a survivor. Like some sort of badass, because I made it, and all of that somehow resolved, and I got to be this.

I’m starting to see that life is this way. In constant motion.

A few years ago, my husband and I went to Maui together. While we were there, I took surf lessons. I often think about that first time that I stood up, and rode a wave into the shore without drinking gallons of salt water. I felt weightless. And, I had spent over an hour standing up on that board, and then loosing my balance, and falling back into the water. My board would flip, and I’d get sucked underneath. Wave after wave, I crashed into the water, but because I had committed myself to this lesson, and this task, I gave it another go. I was in the water already. So I figured that I had to choose to work out this whole thing. It was my only option. And, the moment when it finally clicked, it felt as if I’d been doing it my whole life.

Motherhood is this way. Marriage is this way. My individual journey of self-discovery and passion is exactly this way. Moments of glory. Moments where it all clicks. Moments where it feels like I’ve done it all along. But there are waves too. Waves that suck me underneath them. Toss me around, so out of control that I wonder when I will get just a moment to take in another breath of air. I expected life to be easier. Its not, and I’m actually grateful for that. How boring would it be if we knew how to surf right away. If we got into the water, and just knew everything about timing, and balance. If my husband knew everything about me the day we said I do. If I knew why my daughter was crying fresh out of the hospital. There wouldn’t be very much to talk about. There wouldn’t be very much living to do. And I think maybe the journey is what makes it. The moments where I hurt in so many ways physically, that I can’t begin to think about how I’m feeling emotionally. We need these sometimes. To remember how to feel. To discover who we are. To pin point our struggle and our hurt.

Miscarriage made me realize that this body is just a body. I can’t count on it to do exactly what I want it to do. It is all out of my control. But, I do get to choose to get back up again. To stand back up, and figure out my balance and my timing. I get to throw myself into the waves, because sometimes, it feels good to let yourself get tossed around a bit. It means we are going somewhere. It means that we’ll have something to talk about. I’ll get to sit in the calmness after a high tide, and feel like a badass because I made it. And all of that somehow resolved, and I got to be this.

surfschool2(That’s me. In the middle, with the blue rash guard, surfing. Also, about to get knocked over by some idiot who was still figuring out direction and stuff.)