Baby Deux

I posted this baby on my other social media channels but didn’t want to forget about you blog readers.

Baby Deux

To adequately describe the roller coaster of emotions that we have been through over the last 6 months would be difficult to do without sitting face to face with me; coffee in hand, of course.

And, the moment I saw two lines, I took in a big breath of air rather than letting out a scream of excitement. But, I am all joy now. I feel the weight of what it means to be responsible for another tiny human.

I’ve been drinking half decaffeinated coffee for weeks.

I feel the weight.

But, I feel joy along with that healthy amount of fear; because, I, will become a mother of two (and you’d be batshit to take that lightly). Kinsey will have to share the center of my world with another remarkable person, and I don’t know if it gets much better than that.

I’ve had dreams about Baby Deux clawing its way out of my uterus. I’ve had middle of the night, in a dead sleep, heartburn which created nightmares about Baby Deux’s legs getting lost up in my boobs.

Healthy amounts of fear, you guys.

Ultimately, I feel very grateful. I had several moments of panic as I was getting my spirit ready to blast this photo out onto the interwebs. I text my sweet friend Grace, who bless her heart has been my sounding board since I saw two lines on a stick at 3 weeks and 3 days! (It’s been a long road). She reminded me of my own words; that keeping this a secret wasn’t going to provide Baby Deux with more protection. I kept trying to keep it to myself, as if sharing the news was somehow going to jinx it; because jumping out and sharing the news of life, and then having to take it back…well there are no words for that. I was able to choose how to share baby loss, because I hadn’t yet publicized the creation of life. I’m grateful that was my experience with miscarriage, but I think it also made me fearful. I wrongly associated privacy with safety.

The truth of it is that I am most brave when I am vulnerable. It takes bravery to get there, but walking alongside my people brings strength in ways that only people can. I’ve been overwhelmed with messages of congratulations, prayer, happy thoughts, best wishes, and even received a text that said “I’m standing with you and I know your courage was not easily found today.” Tears streaming my face as retype these words because I am just so overwhelmed with love and support.

It’s amazing how much renewal a new little life can bring.

Stay tuned. I’m certain more emotional vomit will flood my corner of the internets.

In the meantime, know that I am peeing at an exponential rate, and have now purchased two boxes of Lucky Charms. #preggoboss






When Oceans Rise…

For whatever reason, it seems that “Oceans” has become everyone’s anthem for 2014.

In the last couple of weeks I’ve heard from friends who have lost their jobs, lost a parent to cancer, are in the midst of deteriorating health issues, are going through divorce, have children who are experiencing chronic health problems, and the list goes on and on. And while all of this is HEAVY, it is not out of the normal for what we experience in our lifetime.

It feels like all of us collectively are moving towards a greater place of trust.

A place of reliance.


Not on ourselves anymore, because we simply can not on our own.

The dawn of the New Year brought me a lot of hope for what is to come in 2014. I feel myself changing in my deep soul places. I’m being more candid with friends about what I am experiencing in life, and marriage.

There are waves of heavy. Waves of anxiety. But, I’m assuring myself that its ok to rest easy, even when that feels hard; impossible even.

And just as I think that everyone is struggling, I hear about pregnancies, engagements, and new job opportunities. There are just as many good moments buried in all of the bad ones.

When the oceans rise, my soul will rest.

Its the opposite of what I normally do, but I’m practicing doing it anyway.

Goodbye 2013

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It’s time to bring this year to a close, and write an obligatory year-end blog post.

This year, man. Kinsey turned 1. We bought a house in Salt Lake City, which gave everyone who knows us well the signal that we planned to stay here longer than a year. We managed to surpass our usual 1 year 1/2 state occupancy, which is a pretty big deal considering we’ve lived in 5 states in the last 5 years. WHOO HOO!

We had some heartache. Every year, does. But, there has been a lot of special moments too.

I also like myself more this year. Is that weird to say? Like, I think I am sorta kickass. I’ve maintained my goal to create community with people, and I’ve managed to stay true to myself. I am uncompromisingly true to who I am, and I feel like knowing who I am at my very core at age 26 (27 here in a couple weeks) is a pretty kickass thing.

I love my husband. I love him more today than I did yesterday, and more than I did 9 years ago when we had our first date. He loves me so wholly, and unconditionally–which is perfect, because I’m really mean sometimes.

My kid. She will be two in a couple months, and I get weepy just thinking about it. I don’t know how I was chosen to be her Mama, but I feel incredibly thankful to know her. She can be a real butthead sometimes, but even in those moments I smile, because I know she got that from me.

2014 has much in store for us. In previous years, I’ve hoped for calmness; I’ve hoped for stability. Every year that I hoped for those things, BIG changes happened. We had a baby and moved across the country and then back again. I’m comfortable just taking life as it comes. Big or small, this year can do as it pleases, and I’ll go along for the ride.

Top Blog Posts this Year:

A Letter to My Daughter on Her First Birthday

My Let’s All Watch the Bachelor Series (you guys should be ashamed of yourselves! 😉

Work It’ Girl Guest Post by Brandy (You can read the rest of our Mom Series Here)

I Saw HER and Cried Real Tears

Bravery (my post about our Miscarriage)