Baby Deux

I posted this baby on my other social media channels but didn’t want to forget about you blog readers.

Baby Deux

To adequately describe the roller coaster of emotions that we have been through over the last 6 months would be difficult to do without sitting face to face with me; coffee in hand, of course.

And, the moment I saw two lines, I took in a big breath of air rather than letting out a scream of excitement. But, I am all joy now. I feel the weight of what it means to be responsible for another tiny human.

I’ve been drinking half decaffeinated coffee for weeks.

I feel the weight.

But, I feel joy along with that healthy amount of fear; because, I, will become a mother of two (and you’d be batshit to take that lightly). Kinsey will have to share the center of my world with another remarkable person, and I don’t know if it gets much better than that.

I’ve had dreams about Baby Deux clawing its way out of my uterus. I’ve had middle of the night, in a dead sleep, heartburn which created nightmares about Baby Deux’s legs getting lost up in my boobs.

Healthy amounts of fear, you guys.

Ultimately, I feel very grateful. I had several moments of panic as I was getting my spirit ready to blast this photo out onto the interwebs. I text my sweet friend Grace, who bless her heart has been my sounding board since I saw two lines on a stick at 3 weeks and 3 days! (It’s been a long road). She reminded me of my own words; that keeping this a secret wasn’t going to provide Baby Deux with more protection. I kept trying to keep it to myself, as if sharing the news was somehow going to jinx it; because jumping out and sharing the news of life, and then having to take it back…well there are no words for that. I was able to choose how to share baby loss, because I hadn’t yet publicized the creation of life. I’m grateful that was my experience with miscarriage, but I think it also made me fearful. I wrongly associated privacy with safety.

The truth of it is that I am most brave when I am vulnerable. It takes bravery to get there, but walking alongside my people brings strength in ways that only people can. I’ve been overwhelmed with messages of congratulations, prayer, happy thoughts, best wishes, and even received a text that said “I’m standing with you and I know your courage was not easily found today.” Tears streaming my face as retype these words because I am just so overwhelmed with love and support.

It’s amazing how much renewal a new little life can bring.

Stay tuned. I’m certain more emotional vomit will flood my corner of the internets.

In the meantime, know that I am peeing at an exponential rate, and have now purchased two boxes of Lucky Charms. #preggoboss